?Jesus gave me the message, Ghandi showed me the method?- Martin Luther King Jr.
It?s the season of love, and for most of us, the day in the year when we will connect most with loved ones. It?s about giving, it?s about love.
But this when it comes to dating, ?what?s love got to do with it??
I used to see the pattern of dating progressing roughly like this:
Meet a girl I find physically attractive -> Try to sleep with her -> find out about her personality -> fall in love.
Love came last.
After many many hours, days, months of searching for sex, being roundly rejected, and generally learning how much I hated myself, I came across a dating coach called Stephane Hemon. Whilst I don?t agree with much of his teachings these days, the core of everything he taught was, ?just love women?.
But this is no new idea. Look in the teaching of Buddha, a prince, look in the teachings of Jesus, the ?King of kings?, look in the Tao Te Ching or the koran, all are chock a block with the power of love and compassion.
On the other hand, these texts are also often full of tales of sanctioned murder and cruelty. So how do we decide what to believe?
For my part, I look to the greatest leaders of our time, people who we can look to modern historical records for evidence of their methods. I look to MohandasGandhi and Martin Luther King Jr.
The magic of these two men, who achieved beyond what could be expected of any man, who achieved near super human feats, who altered the socio-political structure of human society for countless generations to come, without using violence, was love.
How did they do it?
These achievements were built on resounding, unfaltering belief in the goodness of mankind.
In the face of violence, hatred and bigotry they stood fast to this belief, that all people, when given the opportunity, will be inherently good.
They knew that within each of us is a burning desire to be good, to be happy, to be loving and to find inner peace.
And when dealing with people, they spoke not to the violence, they addressed not the disease of hatred festering in the minds of those who considered them enemies. They spoke only to their good sides, they addressed them as friends.
And they called for this same commitment of mind in all of their followers. Don?t feed hate with hate. Feed the tiny flame of love that stays burning in the souls of those who hate. Feed it with the peace that is in your hearts. Let that peace shine forth and ignite the compassion and empathy within those who would hurt you. Even when they are attacking you, turn the other cheek.
Love first, and ask questions later.
How does this apply to dating, and social fulfilment?
On this journey we must all face hatred. None of us can approach strangers and initiate relationships without facing occasional (or regular!) hostility.
But the question is this: Who has the strongest reality?
If someone gives you hate, and you hate that person in return, you have lost. You have entered their reality of hate.
On the other hand, if you smile in the face of hatred, and give love in the face of rejection, you are truly raising yourself up beyond the barriers you have constructed within. Because your inherent nature, once all wounds are healed, is unfaltering peace.
And if you hold true to your peace, and let it shine into the spirit of those who would hate you, you appeal to the spark of love within them. You are offering them the opportunity to become what they want to be ? happy, peaceful, loving.
Sex can be the ultimate exchange of love. In initiating and leading a sexual partner to the bedroom, though the strength of your love and compassion, you are guiding that person one step further towards inner fulfilment. You share smiles, you share touches, you share heat and wetness and you cum together??
They key, fundamental change in my life, that has led me after 26 years to begin to overcome my problems with the opposite sex, for good, is the realisation:
Love comes first.
If you can fall in love with someone, before you?ve had sex, before you approached, before you?ve even been in their presence, you become untouchable, and no rejection can hurt you, no hatred can disrupt your love. That?s inner game, and it?s damn sexy.
Happy Bodhi Day!
Hope you had a super Diwali (sorry, pretty late..)!