An Open Letter To Tom Torero

[V.Kulla]

Dear Tom,

I'm stuck, and  I really need some help, and advice and guidance, and you seem like a good bloke who might be able to help me find a way out of the maze.

Imagine for one minute, a tennis player - a tennis player who has been learning the game for the last five or so years. This player has studied the winning habits of the world's greatest players, and has gobbled up pearls of wisdom from the greatest tennis coaches on the planet; even the coaches that he thought weren't particularly impressive, this player still listened to in the hope that he might find a morsel of useful advice amongst the mundane and the flimflam that may prove useful in the future.

As a result of all this learning and studying, this player now knows all there is to know about how to become a great tennis champion: he's learnt all the strokes and strategies; he knows all the little tricks he needs to beat players who are bigger, faster and stronger than him; he has learnt to adopt an approach to the game that suits him and, mentally, he is in a different place to where he was five years ago. He is the tennis version on The Terminator. *HOWEVER,* despite all these tools the player has now got at his disposal, he is terrified to even set foot on the tennis court.

Pardon the analogy, my friend, but I just wanted to give you a crystal clear picture of where I've come from in the past five years, and where I am currently at - that is, in short, from picking up Robert Greene's book, 'The Art of Seduction five years ago, I now know just about all there is to know about pick up. However, I just have not been able to find the courage to approach a woman and open her DIRECTLY, which is all I've ever wanted to do. I am sitting here, so disappointed in myself I could cry.

Of course, I can approach INDIRECTLY: I can start conversations with girls in book stores, supermarkets, or at bus stops easily, but they are only ever bullshit small talk conversations where I never show my intent - the sort of conversations you could easily have with your sister, and they end up fizzling out and going nowhere.

I've always been a shy person (although, if you met me, you would think I was the most confident and sociable person on the planet), and just to get even where I am now has been akin to a voyage across the Atlantic in a washing up bowl. To begin with, I tried to get over the initial awkwardness of approaching strangers by just stopping them to ask for directions; I did over *3,000* of these.

Then to push my comfort zones even further, I did a 30 Day Challenge last summer where I approached about 45 girls and went Mode One on them. I thought that if I could do that, then running up to a girl Yad-style and telling her "you look really nice" would be a piece of cake. However, that did not prove to be the case at all. It hardly made a scrap of difference to how anxious I would feel inside.

Today, Tom, I was in town, the weather was beautiful, and the girls were out for the first time this year in their summery clothes, but I just stood there, anchored to the spot, bewildered and mesmerized and terrified. I am prepared to do anything to get good at this - I don't give up easily, but at this point in time I feel stuck, my friend.

Maybe if I had somebody to wing with that would help. However, being older than you, you'll understand that nearly every one of my friends are now married or in long-standing relationships with children of their own - their days of chasing girls now seem a lifetime away.

Of course, I know what would help solve this: taking a bootcamp with your good selves and, if I had that amount of money, I would certainly do so. However, I was seriously ill a few years ago and now only work part-time and so, what with owning my own flat in the current financial climate, money is really tight right now (although I am trying to save for a bootcamp as I need this MORE than a I do a holiday, or the plumbing and heating to be repaired in my flat).

Anyway, Tom, if you've got any practical advice for me, I would really appreciate your input.

Thank you,

V.Kulla

[Tom Torero]

Hey mate, thanks for the detailed question and info on your backstory. I'm sure it rings true for a lot of other guys reading this.

What's interesting is that within your message lies the answer to your core question. The tennis player analogy is a good one because, as you said, you've studied all there is to know about getting good at tennis. The one fundamental difference between you and Federer is that while you've been hitting the books, he's been hitting the court. Again and again. Sure, there's a skillset, but the very fact of hitting 1000 balls a day for 10 years is a process of experiential learning. Learning by doing. Desensitising yourself. Facing your fear by embracing your fear.

You've put in the hours with indirect, and the 45 Mode One approaches, but there's no substitute for the daygame blueprint model that we use (i.e - the Yad stop, with a compliment). Indirect is too weak long-term, and Mode One is too strong. Hand on heart, it's going to take 4-6 months of you giving it a go before it all starts to click and feel totally natural, a bit like driving a car. Between 1000-2000 approaches will remove all sense of "AA" or unease. Going out 3 times a week, or getting 1 number a day, are both good motivating things.

To get you going, I'd "work up" to the Yad stop. Here's something you can try tomorrow:
1. Ask 2 people for directions / the time
2. Ask 2 people for directions / the time, but follow it up with a statement about them and leave
3. Give 2 stationary girls a compliment and then leave
4. Give 2 moving girls a compliment and then leave
5. Stop a moving girl, give her a compliment, and make a statement about her. See how it goes.
6. Repeat step 5. for most of the day, extending your statements and looking for her to hook.

It's what Andy calls "state shifting" and it's very powerful. There's no such thing as a "bad set"...every one you do works your daygame muscle, like hitting the gym. Muscle memory is very powerful.

An extra tip is to FORCE yourself to give a compliment to someone (man/woman/dog) within the first minute of coming off the tube/bus or out your front door. The longer you leave it, the harder it gets, so just GET IT OVER WITH ASAP. What you do in the first 10 minutes sets the tone for the whole day. Being in your head for the first one is normal, and everyone feels it.

Sure, a bootcamp would really help, as you'd be with guys all in the same boat, but also think about getting some 1-on-1 coaching or hitting the streets with a guy already doing it (perhaps from this cafe forum). Once someone can demo for you before your eyes, and give you a push into sets, it's much much easier.

The key point is NO MORE READING OR ANALYSISNG. You might well have to "unlearn" lots of the theory in your head. As Nike says, it's now time to JUST DO IT!

Hope that helps, let me know how it goes!

Tom Torero

[ant1]

really helpful thank's Tom

[V.Kulla]

A classy answer, from a classy guy.

I will follow your advice to the letter because, thinking about it, since learning all this, I have been criminally guilty of following the advice and strategies of whoever seemed to be the PUA Flavour Of The Month at the time. In retrospect, that has not been a good thing, for you only end up going into set with your head zinging with PUA white noise.

Today I asked out a girl that I've become more and more drunk on the charms of with every second I shared her company. This girl is beautiful on the outside, but also radiates the sort of female energy that makes us all junkies for. She turned me down - and it stung, but at least I tried and had a shot at the title, my friend. Still, tonight I feel more than slightly crushed, and sat on the sofa watching 'Layer Cake' hoping she would call.

Anyway, I'm at Ground Zero now, so things can only get better.

Thanks again, superstar.

V.K.

[liquidskeleton]

but what if mode one suits your personality?  and you do it G or PG rated - "Hey, I think you're cute and I want to hook up with you. We should meet up, see if we have some fun together, and go from there!" etc - I don't think that's TOO strong. Also, saying it with a cheeky smile on your face, whilst maintaining eye contact.

Or you could perhaps say "Hey, I think you're cute/hot/gorgeous/adorable/whatever and I want to kiss you." (then the rest the same as above)

You say both after - "Hi, excuse me, I know this is a bit random, but..." take your pick. Hope it helps.

[V.Kulla]

@Liquidskeleton: When I mentioned my Mode One approaches, what I was actually referring to was a 30 Day Challenge of Apocalypse Openers (where you ask the girl to come home with you in the third line that comes out of your mouth). Google it.

It was super-scary, and watching the girl's jaw drop was always fun. However, was it congruent with my own personality? I don't know. These days I really don't know what or who I am. I haven't felt as lost or unhappy as this for a long, long time.

[liquidskeleton]

it's ok man! not to worry. lots of great guys here with wonderful advice!

[handy andy]

v.kulla :

i think in your heart you know that you are faced with two options.

A) taking action.

or

B) giving this whole shit up for ever.

either way is equally valid. but the worst thing you can do is neither, and just keep trudging round, endlessly looking for women that your monkey mind sabotages you approaching at the last minute. all the while thinking 'no, fuck this i'm going to do it today...'

if you are thinking about approaching women as a priority for your day as you leave the house, then frankly it's just a massive waste of energy to NOT approach them.  in that time that you spend reading, thinking, analysing etc you could be learning a new language, painting, whatever-the-fuck. you say you've read PUA theory and gone from fad to fad, so really asking for more advice from a PUA site is really just more procrastination.

comes down to either choice A or choice B.

daygame purgatory is a bad place. this may sound harsh but to me at least it's true, shit or get off the pot my friend.

footnote:
you say you recovered from a serious illness - use that as a reference point. i dont want to risk patronising you, but if it was a potential life-threating one, then think 'what if i'd died - none of this would matter, all this would just be gravy - a bonus level at the end of a 1980's arcade game. lets just play this motherfucker for kicks and see what happens.' 

you beat that shit, this is a walk in the park mate.

[V.Kulla]

HandyAndy: Your advice here is spot on and bang on the money - and every point you raised has, over the years, marched through my mind, too. Yet, despite the harsh reality of this, I still haven't been able to move my feet when I've seen a beautiful girl sauntering down the street, or forced myself to go direct when I've opened a girl in a bookstore or at a bus stop.

I think, in my original post, I gave the impression that I'm some kind of keyboard jockey trolling over pickup theory in his mum's basement deep into the night. This is a false impression, forgive me. The actual facts are that for every hour I spend studying, I will usually spend four hours in the field, on the streets.

It is not unusual for me to leave the house at noon at weekends or on day's off and not come home til 6.00pm. However, of the couple of dozen or so approaches that I will undertake, 100% of them will be indirect. They may be fun and some may be interesting but, of course, each one fizzles out to nothing.

Regarding my illness: I was diagnosed with something known as Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma about five years ago which left me with a tumour in my stomach the size of an orange. The treatment was disgusting: special diets, constantly attached to an I.V. machine, two hourly protein infusions, daily blood tests, a bone marrow biopsy, a stomach biopsy, ultrasounds, X-rays, C.T. scans, six months of chemotherapy while still trying to hold down a full-time job, and two months in a hospital bed watching guys slowly dying all around me.

You would think then, that approaching a girl to tell her she looked nice would be a piece of cake. Sounds logical, hey? Unfortunately, that hasn't proved to be the case. Isn't it strange that my fear of dying isn't as terrifying as my fear of approaching girls on the street and the awkwardness that it often involves.

These days I just feel lost all the time. It feels like the moment I open my eyes each morning, this giant tentacled monster of sadness attaches itself to me and refuses to let go until I fall asleep again at night. Somebody said that I look like the world has forgotten me. I live a very solitary life - reading, going to a bar to watch the football, or going for walks after work. And the very little money I do have tends to go on food. Yet, in social gatherings you would look at me laughing, and chatting and being friendly and think that I do not have a worry in the world - like a young kid kicking a tin can down the road, and that I have absolutely no trouble getting girlfriends. How ironic.

The rejection from the girl below hasn't helped, I must admit; I may not be the "nice" guy (and by "nice", I mean "weak"), that I was five years ago, however I am a "good" guy. One of my fatal flaws though, is that I never get over rejections. I don't mean that I carry them around brooding and feeling angry and bitter. I mean that the hurt of them never goes away.

I'm not talking either, about rejections from cold approaches - those to me don't even qualify as rejections because the girl doesn't know anything about you yet. I'm talking about LOVE (a word that barely gets used by PUAs or on Pick Up Forums), where you have a genuine chemistry with a girl you care and feel very deeply for and then, for whatever reason, they reject you. It's almost like a little bit of your soul dies with each one.

Up until very recently, I don't think I wanted a wife or children or a steady girlfriend, but I've now changed my mind. However, I walk around town looking at couples like a somebody peering through a window at a party that he hasn't been invited to.

One thing I must stress, though, and this is EXTREMELY important because I do not want you to get the wrong impression of me. If you think that I've spent my life locked in a negative mindset, NOT taking action, NOT being brave, NOT going for what I want and just waiting for 'Miss Right' to come knocking at my door, then you cannot be further from the truth.

The lengths that I've gone to in the pursuit for love, companionship and intimacy, the risks that I've taken, and the stories I could tell you would make your hair curl.

So, if I decided to give this up forever, what else could I do and what future lies in wait for me?

[Berba11]

Hello mate,

why don't you apply for that free filmed bootcamp the guys are offering? I'll presume you got the email? Your back story with your illness etc... would make following your progress interesting and genuine, i think.

[handy andy]

V.Kulla:

i'd echo the above sentiment - take the bootcamp, it's free, after all.  and as (i assume) an older guy (and from the tone of your posts, an intelligent and interesting one at that) you would add depth to the film i'm sure.

from my own personal experience i would say you have to just release the outcome of a situation and do it anyway. i approached a women in the shopping centre this weekend and used the trusty 'hi i saw you over there, you look really nice' even though moments before i spotted a wedding ring. i did it purely as i wanted to push myself through the usual excuses and just get in the frame of mind of doing shit for the sheer fuck-off-ness of it all (credit Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast for that phrase). we chatted for a while, she was clearly flattered and loving it, said she was married but it had made her day, and seemed very genuine about it. it's nice to cut through the anonymity of modern life and do something like this, and people 99 times out of 100 will react positively to it - and if they dont it's probably them having a shit day/life anyways. 

look bro, you've read enough shit for it not being worth me citing various terms (but i'll throw in Outcome Independence for kicks). just do it - this Mode One (what the fuck does that mean, other than a marketting brand for just acting like a horny teenager) malarky is tacky - what girl worth her salt would go back to a guys house after 3 q's. sorry man, but it's WAAAAAAAAAAY less of a big deal telling a girl you think they are attractive - who wouldn't want to be told that ? 

the only other suggestion i would make is if you're not in a big city, jump on a train to somewhere where you feel anonymous. then get this monkey off your back, and throw the fucker into the sea.

[V.Kulla]

Well, just spent the last hour and a half emailing off my application for the free bootcamp.

It might just be what I need.

I'm sure there's going to be stiff competition but what will be will be, hey?

Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

V.Kulla.

[liquidskeleton]

Best of luck man!

[V.Kulla]

First the good news: the team here liked my application so much, and didn't think my photograph was too scary that they offered me a place on the free bootcamp...huzzah!

Now the bad news: I won't be able to go. Unfortunately, the date of the bootcamp was brought forward and so that impacted on the budgeting plans I had to be able to afford the train fare down to London and money for accommodation and food etc.

Oh, well, the fact that I got chosen I see as a success and a positive thing.

PS - I like Tom's 'A Number A Day Challenge'. That tickles my fancy.

[markcreative]

Hi V.Kulla,

I think your already a resilient guy, its obvious from what you have already been through, but you can still be resilient and pessimistic.

I would recommend two things, reading a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman, he was president of the American Psychological Association, for me it was life changing, so much of Day Game is how we frame our successes and failures and the subsequent feelings then behaviours that come from healthy or unhealthy thinking.

Secondly I would try mindfulness mediation, its all about becoming more aware of your thoughts, you only need to practice it 20 mins a day maybe 10 mins in the morning and 10 mins in the evening.  It will help you get more accustomed to spotting unhealthy thinking that you were totally unaware of.  You will have many "no way, why the hell was I thinking that" moments once you practice for a while, being aware of your thoughts is often all you need to be able to change them.

Anything else and you are dealing with the symptoms not the cause in my opinion, it all starts with your thoughts and this is the basis for Cognitive Behavioural Coaching.

Good luck !

Mark